HAMARTIA

Every time you stumbled upon your own actions, you tend to stand up and make yourself worth awhile by having the chance to try again. I cannot tell you how dolor it is, this situation, my life. I see myself seeing other people gained what they prayed for. I see them congratulating with each other. I am standing there unable to feel the excitement. I depend too much on the ceaselessly hopes of no tomorrow. Staking up to the ground with my own feet, looking up with tears wilding up through my cheeks, I asked myself ‘’ am I worth His time and blessings? “ . When He gave you the contradicting prayers that means He wanted to test you. He wants to see how much you will be able to fight, try to pass with glory. People around me told me that it is better if I just go with the flow, or so they thought. The thing is, I never want this, not to say I am not thanked to Him. It’s just no matter what I do my past and fears would seem to follow me and I just cannot not notice the pain and failure that is, might be happening in the future. When I said things like this, in my mind I always think I don’t even deserved to mention about this thing because I am not a good person atleast in the perspectives of my religion. Still, I asked myself if living here, still able to gain things easily and never got stuck with the needs of the world would be a pointless phase of my masochist life. Is there even a time where I could repent and redeem all of the good things that a good person gained? When I said things like this, I cannot think of anything else rather than Him. Sometimes when I listened to religious preaches I became annoyed when all I could hear is just the same things. Then a voice inside my myself asked me what if I didn’t get the chance to hear about it again? What if I was dead while enjoying my sins? Sometimes when they said our Prophet Muhammad ( pbuh ) will help and guide us during the afterlife, the inside me cries. I cried until there is no more of tears to drawn. Am I a stubborn and insolent person? Am I a selfish person? You see, I always think that whenever, wherever I do or go, I cannot be like what I wished for coz the need of the people around me makes me let go of myself by satisfying them. Still, I became arrogant with the surroundings as to me, that was how I protect myself. Seeing myself in the mirror, I often asked, “What do you want man?” then I sighed. You see, when I am happy is when I am afraid, when I am serious that is when I realized that nothing is more important than getting my dreams became into reality. When I am sad that means I’ve done things that I often said “this is the last time”, yet I did it all over again coz I can’t seem to control the thirst of gaining more sins than blessings. The inside screams for a total redemption but the other me suppressed it by locked it up in a cage. Unwilling to change is what I am made of atleast not for forever. Sorry.