OBSTREPEROUS

Here it comes again, like thousands of knives waiting for turns to stab you continuously without mercy knowing that you wouldn’t be able to stand a chance to avoid the despair that you were about to experience. It is true when they said, you can’t control your feelings and who you choose to give your heart to. Love works in the most fucked up way that mostly ruined and destroyed one’s innocence. You tried to get a hold yourself but little that you know you are feeding off the needs to be loved, relevant and someone to care for your existence and your efforts. You tried to conceal your feelings by denying the possibilities of the impossibilities. You acted normally trying to shake your thoughts off from the thoughts of being in a one sided love. You let yourself getting hurt when you know you will be killed by the reality that never fail to remind you that you can’t never get what you want. You let yourself believing in the idea of perhaps and maybe or at least might. You keep on seeing the things that made you cry yourself at night before you go to bed and knowing that it is not you who is being loved and knowing that someone else is receiving the things you wanted the most, you ought to believe that you are just a loner who seek for care. When you have given your other self to a person whom you know will never keep you, you just need to realize that you have to take a step backward and move on to another path where the area that effect your emotions and feeling is no longer there. I don’t know exactly how I can get into this messy situation but I am sure of one thing which was, I love you and I wish to take care of you. Jealousy has become me and I am dying of trying to conceal. I am hurt most of the time because I know the more I put efforts, the more I will get hurt directly or indirectly. This is going on and on like waves in the ocean only to reside once the tides are off but never went away. Like love, disappointment has been its bestfriend only to be jacked by false hopes. 2017, has become your one true hope on fleeing away and never come back. I feel like crying but I know crying wont solve this thing because you aren’t here to see me confessing my deepest, darkest, most honest, vulnerable feeling for you. I cannot tell you how much I am hurting because I can’t tell the differences between being ignored or being treated with false hopes and mixed signals. Being in a position where you can only enjoy the moments that you have is a pain that you know some will never understand because not everybody was born to love someone they cannot have and the chances of being together Is just impossible. I’ve seen a lot of people ended up as strangers when over attachment, high hopes, the need to be appreciated became the reasons of despair.. I learnt to conceal them and never reveal how I feel toward things. I am in need to be needed as an equal mate to someone I can call as mine. Movies and dramas may be fake but at least I know some can be real because we make our own movies.