WHAT?

When they ask me if I am okay, do I need help, do I want some guidance, how am I, what am I thinking, what is my future, do I want a shoulder to cry on, do I need some time, do I need to be alone, I’ll say no, its fine but I am okay. I just want Him to be near me. I need my prophet to protect and love me. Living with your incoherent thoughts is already impossible. I need a time to get over myself. I am 19 and do ask me what are the things that I didn’t do. I’ll make a list of it. Seeing myself, I kinda ask to become like this. I can now say that He do grant all of our pray. But I don’t want some of the things. It’s wrong and I fucked my way down to the bottom of becoming a good Muslim.  I can see what’s right and what’s wrong but I know that whenever I tried to overcome this uneasiness the other half of me seems to get itself together to beat me off. A bash of insolent thoughts started to project in my mind. I can’t control it so I decided to shut myself. I smashed my head onto the wall to make things go away. Blood is my new clothes. I cried all night thinking about the future, the plans, the companies,the afterlife but never actually work to fix things but decided to walk pass by it. I am not proud for some things that I did but I miss me at my best when I am doing things that I love with my family and friends. I can’t fix it but I can only make myself feels better, I cannot undo the things that I did or said. I’m not a God. Life can be pretty hiatus. I am a hiatus myself. I can’t help it. I can’t do a thing. I am living in the iced cold of sins. Pour me some of your warmth forgiveness. Let me be a ease and peace. I surrender. I’ll try.