PARADOX 2

Our behaviors, attitudes, and personalities are different in the ways only God knows. The attitudes will determine your altitude. The personalities will determine your inside out. The behaviors will determine your level of maturity. Or so I thought. It’s past 3.00 p.m. and I am crying. I see photos of my friends, friends that I promised to be there and do stuff together but I failed to keep my promises, not to them but also to myself. I do not feel like I belong. I never feel so sad than to see my parents getting disappointed in me. They know that I am not happy. My nights were spent with crying in silence before I went into sleep. I woke feeling fucked up and numb. I miss mooting and debating. I broke the promises that I made for myself that I will stand in front of the Faculty of Law for the rest of 4 years. I miss my past. Not all but some. I only know how to complain, nag and beg when all others did were trying hard for something they want. I compared myself, downgrading myself. That is just it. I know I am not that good in terms of spiritually, He knows the best about me. When I see others, I became sad knowing I didn't get what I want. I am never happier when I see or imagining myself in the place I wished to be. I know that it is just my imagination, but it feels so real. My current self-beliefs have broken down into parts. I cannot reassemble it back because I don’t have the connections that I seek. I never actually sincere about changing myself, everything about myself. I took the advantage of my emotional beliefs. I push people who possibly care about me because I honestly think I will never be there waiting for them in the heaven. I gave up upon myself. Whenever I hear talk about the end of the world that is just around the corner, I know I must change but I chose the wrong sides. I purposely close the doors that lead to happiness and let myself towards the wrong paths because I think God will not forgive me. People keep on saying that He will always forgive us no matter how awful we are.  I acted foolishly around them, why? I speak up my mind out loud. I always regretted doing it. I am what I call again a fucking fucked up a paradox.