VOID

I associated with the people that I considered as the saints. I am never happy when I know I may not be able to achieve the so called eternal happiness. I doubt myself to become a well educated human being. I told myself that it is okay to be sad or confused because  this is normal. I can’t be normal, but who is normal? I am an empty void. When I tried to think of happiness I become reckless. I don’t know how to pamper myself. Knowing that what I do would never change my past, I started to stop associating with them. I am searching for the answers, but I already knew the answers. I shut them up because I am stupid. I am stubborn. I am sad all the time. I am pathetic. I am a loser. I acted viciously because I know that’ll keep me away from killing myself. I don’t see things clearly like I used to. I am never the same, or so I thought. I may not be the person that the heaven wants to accept, but I know what to do to be accepted. The surroundings had become duller than ever. I keep on bringing up things because I am not satisfied with them. I cried several times because of the things that I don’t know about. I don’t know how to feel. I see happiness everywhere and I am sick of it. I craved for attentions, but never make use of it when I got it. I lied to myself that I am not needy when I am needy as fuck. I am in need of something that I can’t, mustn’t, and shouldn’t have or ask for. I am relentlessly drowning in the thoughts of fake happiness when I know the things that I have dreamed won’t turn into reality because I do not live at the wish granting factory. I don’t know how am I supposed to live when I can only see but do not feel. I always say to myself that all I need is sometime to be in grieve, but at the same time I want someone to grab my hand and force and ask me what’s wrong with me. I  am unstable, my brain can’t comprehend with the insolent thoughts of mine. The end is near and I am fully aware of it. I am scared, but I am too blind that the rest of my life would be meaningless. Fuck me.