EXALTED

This time is the moment that I have felt as if my soul had been engulfed by my own nightmares. My nightmares of not getting the things that I want or I need. Egoist, that’s what they said who I am. My heart aches like a wound that will never heal.  The choices that I have made became my worst nightmares. Again, I have failed. The dream that I have dreamed are now my scars that will never heal. This is not about a boy who is too depressed but this is the boy who had dreamed too long that he had caught up in his own bubbles. I may have prayed even though I am not a saint. I may have put my hope real high, so high that I thought no one can reach it so that it may reach to Him. I am blistering in the way that people can’t see me for who I am but as a human being that once again had fallen onto his knees, again. The tears that welled up will become the flood that will drown me in the midst of having my dreams getting fucked up by the reality that may be too good to be true. Right now, I know that I must let it go, for good this time. I know this thing may come around but the time is not just proper yet. When I got it, my heart stopped, as I stood silently and vulnerably, projections of images that I had, currently, will, might, could have experience fill my mind. I became subtle and numb knowing that thing had crushed into pieces. As my desperate soul upon needing to achieve something got down on its knees, trying to pick up the pieces and reassemble it, the connections weren’t there. It had gone away along with the hopes and faiths I had put and tied. This is what will happen if you dream too much, you hope too much, you believe too much, you put your faith too much that you had imbecile yourself for being too ignorant. I challenged You, and now I have lost. I trusted You, now I have stopped. They said You will never give up  upon anybody, so keep it up. To know that I have to spend for fuck sake 2 years at here knowing the I will never grow fond of it, totally disgusted with it. That’s when the real shits knocked on my head. The real shits that I must say I know how to deal with but turn my back upon it because of my egos. When you know  you can be someone at this certain place, when you know you can do better, when you believed people who said He is there to help and guide, when you trusted them when they said He knows you well and had His own ways to guide and protect  you from jeopardizing yourself, when you keep on thinking of your family’s expectations, when you had to put aside your own wants and needs for others, when you are losing yourself in the battle against the uncontrollable desires that can only be controlled by Him, when you are now, living, still able to breath, yet so broken, so sad, so depressed, so vulnerable,so much in pain, so clingy, so pathetic, exhausted with the uncountable losts you’ve encountered and the same things that were to happen and you had became numbed. I thank You for everything. This is not the end but You have shown me that not even the person who always remember You will achieve the things that he wants. They said when you prayed for your wants, He will only provide your needs. You have crushed and stole what’s left in my heart that concealed my faiths to You. You had forcefully closed the doors that I had left it open just a little bit in the hopes that my dreams that I had prayed will come back. You had taken my serene sights that I had used all these years to see and thank You for all the things that You had provided. I pray to You to never take my beloved ones away. Keep them safe. I am okay if I am being excluded. I am okay, really. My beloved PMPBUH, I thank you, and I love you. I wish you were here to give advice, to listen to my whines. I wish I can meet you someday. I will always forever in my life remember you. if He wills it. I am done but I am not giving up, but if you know what I mean.